


strong

by loki (lokigurl)



Category: Roswell (TV)
Genre: Gen, cry your name tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 15:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokigurl/pseuds/loki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liz POV<br/>"Cry your name" (S2, Ep 17) tag<br/>written 25 april 2001</p>
            </blockquote>





	strong

She threw herself into my arms and broke down. I didn't know what had happened, just that things were very, very wrong. Maria doesn't cry like that - not in front of everyone. So I held her against me and focused all my strength. I had to be strong.

Be strong.

The last time I saw Alex, I told him to be strong. I kept him from doing something he really wanted to do because he had to 'be strong.'

Who the hell am I to tell anyone to 'be strong'? Every time I've tried to convince myself I was being strong, I was only running away. Running away from a challenge that seemed a little bit bigger than what I thought I could handle. Or something that would cause me  _real_  pain… I just, I just thought if I took all the elements out of my life with the potential to break me down then I'd be fine.

I never was.

But I still haven't learned. I've tried to block out almost every damn word anyone's said to me since Maria fell into me sobbing. I went blind, deaf and… not dumb. No, most definitely not dumb. For the first time in a long time, I did not go dumb. I did not ignore this contradictory self-awareness that has been gnawing at me since I ran down that mountain. This time I focused.

This time, I got angry. I'm still angry. It's a delicious taste that I had only sampled before - always too afraid to swallow a whole mouthful. Not now. Now, by the time it slides down my tongue, I want more. And more. And more. I never understood why Michael stayed so angry all the time but now I do. It consumes you, feeds you, propels and pushes you to do the things you've always feared. It keeps your head clear and keeps you from feasting on the lies and niceties they serve up to keep you complacent.

Fuck complacency.

And fuck them. They knew Alex for what, two years? They didn't love him like Maria and I love him. They didn't torment themselves day-in and day-fucking-out about lying to their oldest friend about, well, the most explosive, life-altering thing to ever happen to them. They didn't get the ultimatums and they didn't get the silent treatment. And they didn't sit up nights knowing that he had every right to feel that way.

They don't hear his voice in every song and see his face in every place they go. (I'm not so good at the blocking anymore.) They don't have six million memories tied into the Crashdown counter and they don't see him spinning around on the stools, sipping orange soda. And I'm sure as hell they don't have scars on their knees from trying out his first skateboard.

So fuck them.

Because I do, I have all of that and more. And every second of every day, I fight the pain. Pain is stronger than anger - it clouds my head and I can't afford that. Right now, I can't afford to feel. Because I know Alex better than any of them ever could possibly imagine and I know he didn't do this. He wouldn't have - he couldn't have. And I don't care what anyone else thinks - I lost my best friend. My. Best. Friend. Someone who loved me when I didn't deserve it and someone who I loved because he did.

Always.

Part of  _my_  family is gone and I won't let anything happen to the rest of us. Maria, Kyle, me - that's all that's left now. Kyle stood up for me when he didn't need to and I love him for it. Maria… I can't imagine my life without her, especially not after all this. So I will do whatever I need to do to make sure that they know that. And I owe it to Alex to do the things I always failed to do when he was alive. Maybe not always… maybe just in the past couple of years.

I am so, so sorry Alex. I want to have you back for one more minute and tell you that. Tell you that I'm sorry, that you are one of the most wonderful beings I have ever been blessed to know… and tell you how much I love you. Because, somehow, "Alex, your food's here" doesn't quite cut it.

But I can't do that. You can't come back. You can't come back and laugh at me and my tears, ask me what drugs I'm on and dig out the ice cream. You can't come back and tell Maria that she's nuts or play us a random song you were writing in English. You can't come back and try your hardest not to give into Isabel's whims. You just can't.

So I'll do the one thing I can - I will do the things I have asked of you and that you did for me without hesitation. I will be the best friend I can possibly be… I find out what _really_  happened and I will prove that you are not another statistic. I will remind them that you are Alex Charles Whitman, someone who left us way too early and someone who never quite knew how amazing he was.

For you, I will be strong.


End file.
